These past few months or years really I have learned so much about my walk with God. I have wondered what it looks like to follow Jesus and how to become the person God created me to be. This transition into an unknown world with guessing and checking and changing has left me no longer wondering but chasing after the unknowns of this world. Thus, I have created a new blog. I have decided it is time to put Wonder We May; Believe We Shall to rest. I will keep this blog here, probably forever. (I like reminding myself of how far I've come and rereading old blog posts) But I will now be writing at this new address. Please follow my journey as I chase the unknowns and embrace every part of who God is creating me to be.
I've been really bitter lately about my friendships and that really stinks. I feel like a whinny brat most of the time because I don't feel like anyone wants to be my friend. All I do is put out effort after effort to get together with my friends or even talk to them with barely a response. It's really exhausting always putting myself out there. I am continually trying to pour into these friendships that don't really exist anymore. I don't even know why that is. Why don't people want to hang out with me? What is wrong with me? Probably nothing but then I've been sinking into the feeling that something is wrong with me, as always. Why do I do that? I know my identity in Christ and I know He thinks much differently about me than I think about myself. I've really been struggling to find friends and keep them, my whole life, actually.
That's all I have for you guys. Sorry I'm being a big crab. I hope God teaches me something from this feeling of inadequacy. Also, I might go MIA on social media again. I've been intensely comparing myself to others and their friendships and having pretty bad FOMO (lol I'm a teen).
Life lately has been a bag of sunshine tied with a beautiful bow. I have enjoyed every part of this beautiful weather, from the sun on my skin to the long skirts I, now, can wear. It has made me happy knowing there are seasons in the year. I try my hardest to enjoy every little part that each one of them gives. Like spring, that gives me my birthday and a ton of my friends birthdays. I love celebrating life and spring is a time of regrowth and blossoming. My favorite part about spring is walking by huge lilac bushes and taking a big whiff. Man, they smell so freaking good. HA. I smell them often when I am running. I run by probably 10 of them at least. These are the things that bring me joy, my friends.
Also, the ability to listen to God in the calmness of sitting outside with birds chirping brings me peace. God has been speaking to me a lot this week and helping me to align my passions with His own. I think one of the hardest things for me in this time of life is learning that I am not right about a lot of things and just dealing with that in the best way possible. God is right and I must listen. So that is what I have been trying really hard to do. I faced a really difficult decision this week and came to a realization today. About a week ago I met with the varsity dance coach about a job as the JV coach next year (something I have wanted for 6 years). I have always wanted to coach dance and I thought this was a great opportunity. So, I met with the coach to discuss coming on for the season next year as the head coach. I've been feeling kind of unsettled about this decision all week and I have been upset and asking God why. Why would I feel as if I didn't want to coach after wanting it this long. Why would I have a heavy heart making this decision when I've always wanted this. Well, today God spoke to me and told me, No. I asked Him if I was supposed to coach dance next year and He said NO. I wasn't even confused about it really He just told me No so I said, "okay." I am choosing to listen to my creator because He definitely has something else in store for me. He is calling me into other things in my life and now I can move on from my past. Dance for me has been a great experience and I wouldn't trade those 15 years of my life for anything but God wants me to move forward and I'm so glad I listened. I have no idea what the future holds next year for me but I know that listening to God is the most important.
My life has been a running race lately. Everything is happening and moving quickly and exciting. My lil sis is getting married in T-minus 2 months and I'm so darn pumped. She looks gorgeous in white and even better in a dress. HA. I've cherished the time we've gotten to spend together this past year talking about life. I'm also excited because I started my marathon training. Now, I suppose some of you may not know yet but, yes, I am running a marathon. October 1st I will be running from Minneapolis to St. Paul. Isn't that rad? I'm super pumped but also kinda scared, maybe even scared enough to poop myself, if you know what I mean *insert awkward runners joke about crapping myself* HAHA. Well anyways, I thought I'd share some pics since I haven't done that in five-ever. Here are some pics of me after running. I try to take a pic of my face after every run, sometimes I run with people as you will see below. lol enjoy my sweaty-ness.
So, life has been a marathon lately and I've been excited to try new things and find my divine place in this world. I've believed for so long that I wouldn't be good enough or that I had nothing to bring to the table but God has been telling me otherwise. He has been stretching me in remarkable ways and showing me that I have skills He wants me to use. It's cool. and I'm excited to keep running.
love you guys.
Lately I have performed a Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec and have gone "off the grid" so to speak. I have pretty much cut out social media from my life which has been a blessing and also a curse. It is super challenging trying to connect with people when you don't have social media. It has linked most of this generation to friendships all around the world. I think it has also hindered deep connections with people as we scroll on through other individuals Facebook posts commenting as if we know what's going on in their lives. I have fell into this spiral of comparing myself to others and feeling extremely jealous when my friends from college are hanging out without me. Thus, I have gone off the grid for awhile and it has been nice.
Life has been a roller coaster of unknowns lately and I'm not sure what God has next for me in this life but boy am I excited to find out. He has been inspiring me to take risks that I never thought I would take and to pray hard about things that are going on. I am loving working with all the kiddos I get to work with. It ranges from day-to-day of whom I will be working with but it is an exciting job. God pushes us to do uncomfortable things too. Man, some of the things the middle school girls at youth group share with me is remarkable and makes me weep in silence as I try to give the advice God has equipped me with. I still feel pretty inadequate in the advice giving department. I never know if what comes out of my mouth actually helps anyone but those girls sure do seek my advice. They want to know my opinion on everything and I've had to be pretty honest about some super tough things that have happened in my life. Last night one girl asked me if I've ever smoked weed and I wanted to lie and say, "No, hunny drugs are bad." Which, I do believe drugs are bad but I couldn't lie to the girl. God was telling me to be honest, which is super hard to do. Why is it so hard sometimes to tell the truth? I think culture is so prone to lying sometimes the truth gets lost and we forget truth from exaggeration. God really has been urging me to tell the truth, as I think He does all of us. My past is what made me who I am today and I've grown a crud ton. So, I must share it. My experiences and yours are what make us who we are so if someone asks about it we should be brutally honest, even when it sucks and the person's view of us might change.
A little encouragement to you in case you feel like going off the grid. It helps me really tune in to what God is saying to me. It also pushes me to be more intentional with the ones I love because I can't simply scroll on through their lives anymore.
Most people have been saying how awful a year 2016 was. I'm not really in that mood. Yes, I agree, it was a very difficult year. I was challenged in ways that I didn't think possible. I was stressed and overwhelmed but something that did not falter in my life in 2016 was the Father's love for me. In past years I reflected on everything I did that year and how good I was with sticking to my goals. This past year felt different to me. In 2016 I worshipped God with everything I had, which I've never truly done before. I have always been half in and half out. Never truly 100% committed to God and never truly 100% not committed to God. 2016 was a year that I fully and completely gave God every little thing. It was hard, don't get me wrong. Living a Christian lifestyle in a world full of corruptness is hard but I did it! I am proud of myself, yes, but I know I still have a long way to go. I will never know God 100% and that's okay. I think one of the most beautiful things about God is His mysterious endeavors for us. Heck, I don't know if I will live to see tomorrow but isn't that beautiful. Our lives don't have to be planned to the month, day, or even second. We can live in the truth that is God's plan for them. In 2016, I learned to trust God with that mystery and it doesn't really scare me anymore, or not as much. I'm not terrified of the unknown because it is simply unknown, and you guys, we may never know it anyway..so why be terrified of it. I am praising God for 2016, even though it was hard. I had a lot to overcome after I graduated from college. There was a lot of self doubt and past hurts that God continued to reveal to me that I didn't even know I had. I struggled with a lot of things this past year like where I found success. The frustration of finding a job took a toll as well but I persisted in prayer. I knew God would fulfill that need, financially. He gave me a job I never really wanted when I left school but I am sooo in love with it, it is kind of unreal. I've had like a week off for Christmas and holiday stuff and I really want to go back. HA that's so good, friends. I WANT to work! God gave me some pretty vivid dreams and aspirations this past year too. None that I will share with you but I'm thrilled to be clinging to dreams again. I didn't even think I had dreams for my future to be honest. I just was going with the flow. Now, I have concrete ideas that are blossoming in my brain and screaming to be let out...(eventually). God has blessed me with hope this year. I pray that you may feel the hope and love of the Lord, wherever you are! Since you are reading this, you are special to me and I'm thankful for you!
So, where does that leave us for 2017? Well, I'm not sure and that's okay! I just know I am going to follow God the entire way.
ps. There is construction of a new blog taking place - so if I don't write often, that's why. Don't worry, though, when I am ready I will reveal my new blog.
I want so badly to rejoice in that Jesus Christ has been born this year but I find myself not being very cheery. I don't want to be joyful. I hate that. Holidays have always been hard for my family since my grandpa left us 15 years ago. Now, that we are older they are filled with drinking and eating and Jesus seems so absent in all of it. I don't like that. I've tried so hard this past year to be 100% committed to my Father God and I've done well but even today I have struggled. I have missed the real meaning of Christmas. I think most individuals do. They focus on the worldly view of what Christmas should be and forget the whole purpose of Christmas. I think that is why I get so bogged down by the hussle and bustle of what Christmas should mean. I want to do Christmas better this year but I feel like it is too late. How do I go about being jolly when there is so much destruction going on in the world, my family, and my city?
I suppose I need to rely on God more than ever during this time. So that I may feel the joy of the season. Hardships will always be upon us. We need to seek out the good to overcome them.
One year ago today, I graduated from college. WOW! What an accomplishment. Truly, though. Like I was walking around today and feeling strength knowing I have been out of college one whole year today already. God has really given me a sense of awareness this past year. I've been more aware of my surroundings - the people around me and how they affect who I am as a person, my home and how that affects me, and where I work. I think these three things God has spoken to me a lot about this past year with just coming to know the comfort that is Him. I mean, my life is far from perfect and you know what it is not supposed to be. I feel like a huge expectation when you have a bachelors degree is that you should be making the big bucks somewhere fancy pancy. Well, since college I have struggled financially and it has been painful and frustrating but God wants me in this place, I think. God doesn't want me to struggle all the time, no, but God wants me to feel a dependence on Him. I truly feel closer to God than I ever have in my life. He has shown me miraculous things this past year that I may never have seen if I was comfortable. When we are comfortable we often think we can do this life on our own. I know I have struggled with this several times in the past. Wanting to be the ruler of my own life. Well you guys, let me just tell ya how stupid that is. We cannot and should not want to do life on our own. It is physically draining and mentally unstable. I believe God wants us to depend on Him for everything. Whether it be that small crush you have that is taking over your mind - GIVE IT TO HIM! Or that job interview that didn't go so well - GIVE IT TO HIM! Or the rejection letter after rejection letter from countless places - GIVE IT TO HIM! I just really feel that since I've literally given everything to Him I'm not worried about them anymore because I know that God has already created a plan for them. So, I encourage you to give even the littlest of things to God. He might surprise your outcome and bring more Glory to the situation than you ever could have imagined.
There are so many freedoms to be thankful for. In the past I have been so pinned down by things of this world I never really realized how free I truly am. Today, I stand out in freedom to break old habits and drink in good ones. I have felt this freedom wash over me a lot lately. It's been a peaceful past couple of months and it motivates me to keep going. I'm glad God has gifted me with this newly found freedom. I feel like my old self is gone and my new self is taking shape. I'm not worried about anything. I have rid myself of anxiety and stress. I've also really focused in to the hope and truth that is in Jesus. So, my hope for you today is that you can feel free. That you can dance in your bedroom or dormroom and be giddy because Jesus is alive and well. Let's feel the freedom we have, friends, and really drink it in like a big ol' cup of joe. Celebrate!! God is present and moving in each of our lives - all the time!!
..of Jesus moving in and around me
..of new experiences
..of developing new habits
..of getting rid of bad habits
..of crying out to the Lord
..of peace in the unknown
..of running towards Jesus
..of believing in something greater.
Thank you friends for following me through my chaos and Jesus filled life these past three years. It has been such a blessing writing and learning from the thoughts in my own head. I'm thankful for your friendship and ability to keep up with my wandering mind as I learn more and more about myself and my Creator.
Let us Seek the Grandest Adventures Together my Friend.
I heard the roar of the lion of Judah