Last night at YTH I was surrounded. By mixed emotions. By laughing teenagers. By silly smiles. By hard hearts. By the questioning of who I am and where I belong. But then I was surrounded by people who love me and prayed for me. Lately, I have been so blown away by my churches love for me. Going into youth group last night I was only praying that the students' hearts would be changed but somehow I always leave being changed. I am the one who is being changed. I am continually reminded of my love for God by the way I interact with the youth of the River Valley Church - Faribault community. I care so much about their salvation sometimes it literally hurts. Like last night, as I wept during worship, I felt drained and sick and crabby and mean. Then God reminded me of my worth by giving me a community like the leaders of River Valley who prayed for me and surrounded me with their love. I am so grateful to call RVC home. The people their have loved me well and chosen to set things down so they could pick me up. I'm not even a youth and I feel like my heart has been stirring more for what God is doing in the Faribault area than anything. I think it is so cool that even as adults we can learn from the young. I learn so much from the youth in this community it is kind of ridiculous and so beautiful. Thank you youngsters for making me laugh and cry in the best of times. Ya'll are awesome and I really love you so much!
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Hey guyz.
I just need to get somethang off my chest. These past 3 weeks have been stressful for me! The stress has been brought on by my past educators. Yes, teachers, my faves, it's you! Everyday you come into Kwik Trip and ask me why the heck I am working at Kwik Trip and not doing something, idk, awesome! and I'm all like, duh, I'm stupid, not good enough, and just ehhh. Which is so damaging and FALSE!! I know my worth! I know my value! and I find that in the Father. No, I am not working full time at some awesome possum job right now, and maybe I will never be in a dream career. Honestly, at this point in my life, I am perfectly fine working at Kwik Trip. I'm okay with finding value in small things. Like Wednesdays - my favorite day of the week for some many reasons. Like Katie, Alexi, Kate, Tesa (with one S), Brittany, Isaac, Matt, Lynita, Ethan, Brock, Shania, and so many others who continually make me smile even through these hards times. Like middle schoolers because they are so hilarious and frustrating and lovable. Like late nights at Applebee's. Like making new friends, finally. I think the moments I am most unhappy are when my previous teachers or just people I know in general come in to KT and either are shocked I am working at KT and think I should be doing something else or brag about what they are currently doing with their lives. I tell myself I am not good enough. I tell myself that I should be doing something else with my life. I question everything! I am happy. Because I am choosing to be happy, as frustrated as I get. Yes, I do get frustrated. I don't really want to work at Kwik Trip, but I do because it's current. I am just so thankful to be working in general. I also don't think God thinks my Bachelor's Degree in Math was a waste. Because of the things I learned in college I get to use them at Youth Group on Wednesday nights and at KT other days. I think knowledge is really a beautiful thing because all of those things I learned in college can apply really anywhere. (side note: there are a ton of 'becauses' in this paragraph and I am sorry for that. HA). That to me is enough. I feel like right now, as I search for other jobs, I am content. No, I don't want to work at Kwik Trip and yes, I am avidly searching for other jobs but right now, this is what I got ya'll. So, I am going to make the most of it. I really just want to work hard and I know something will come along. In the meantime don't try not to treat me like I failed at something because my greatest successes aren't even school or career related. They are Christ related. So, mkay byeee. haha btw. I love you all immensely. Thanks for loving me well and reading this here blog. Now, I know what you're thinking. Cassie, intimidating? WHAT?! Never?
Well, that's what I think too but today got me thinking. Maybe I am intimidating. Maybe I put up walls so that people can't get to know me. Maybe I push people away. Maybe, just maybe, I really am intimidating. I've also heard many people tell me that I am very approachable and yet I've never really felt invited. Like in college. I had a lot of friends, I would say, but out of all of those friends I was never really invited to a lot of things they were doing. Now, some of the things my friends were doing I didn't want to be a part of but some of them I cried, a lot, because I wasn't invited and felt left out. This part of my life has been so heavy on my heart lately. What with all of my friends returning to college, and I'm not. I'm definitely coming to terms with this though. I am really enjoying being out of college and the adulthood life. But I do miss my friends. Which makes me think so much about them. Are they thinking about me to? I mean they hardly speak to me unless I speak to them first. Man, this just weighs so much on my heart guys. I'm sorry, I'm verbally throwing up at you right now but I just don't feel very cared for in this new life, outside of college. Heck, I guess I didn't really feel very cared for in college either. I always felt out of the loop and distant from the "friend groups" I thought I was apart of. I've never really said any of these things out loud, let alone in text. I guess it's how I really feel. Oh, actually, I did talk about this with one of my friends from college once. He was very supportive about it because he felt the same as me, at times. But reminded me that I am valued. Good stuff. I wish I would feel more valued lately. Life is kinda hard for me right now. My parents love each other one minute then hate each other the next. My younger sister is getting married and I am single, and that is hard -regardless of me being SO DARN happy for her, which I am. I also just realized I have no passion for anything lately. I pray to God several times while I am working at Kwik Trip wishing I knew why the heck I was working at KT. I don't like it and yet there are moments I truly enjoy. I've only been there for a month or so and I already don't like it. What the heck is with that. I'm just having some identity crisis and I recognize that and try to persist and give my all in what I am doing. Anyways, back to being intimidating. So, am I? Do I scare people off with my LOUD personality? I don't have an answer to this question. I wonder if God thinks it is okay or not okay to be intimidating. Is it such a horrible thing to intimidate people? Probably, yeah. When I think intimidating, I think unapproachable, scary, mean, gremlin types. Ya know the ones. Maybe, at times, I do come off this way. I think that is okay but not. I need to recognize when I do and change it. Alright, I'm done. HA Something I've been struggling with lately is my appearance. I know, so much, in my heart that I am beautiful and God has created me so divinely in His image that there was and is not one flaw in the way He created me. Or anyone else for that matter. Lately, though, I've been really self aware of what I look like. I look in the mirror and don't really see a "gorgeous" person. I look at myself and don't see something beautiful. That is so difficult to come to terms with. That I don't really find myself attractive - with or without makeup. Dressed up or in sweats. I guess I've never really thought of myself as an attractive woman. Just an average, simple looking, woman. What a horrible thing to think about myself. Or anyone else. To think of ourselves as simple or ordinary when God created us extraordinary.
So what do I do about it? How do I value my self worth and look in the mirror every day pleased to see this face? The one that God breathed life into and knit in my mothers womb. Well, it's not easy that's for sure. I've struggled with my self image a lot over the years. From when I was 5' 1" and chunky to now weighing almost as much as my dad and an average height. These features are a reality but they are not an ugly reality. I guess I have always thought of myself as nothing more than average. Man it pisses me off saying that out loud. How upset do you think God is when His children think of themselves as average. I get infuriated sometimes thinking of my middle school girls at youth group who talk about how others middle school girls have told them to kill themselves. That they have no value. That they are worthless. That they are ugly. Well, let me freaking tell you my friends - you have value, you have worth, you are beautiful and so am I. I think the best thing we, as women and men of Christ alike, can do for ourselves is to lift others up. When I hear my middle schoolers talk about their looks and how they feel ugly, all I do is try to lift them up. Tell them they are so darn beautiful - which is NOT me just saying that to make them feel better. I truly with my whole heart believe that. Even when they think they are just average looking, I look at them and see something so beautiful. I imagine that is how people see me as well. It is so easy to think that people see us as we see ourselves but I really don't think that's true. Like one time at InterVarsity's Cross Training I stood up and spoke about how much Jesus had put on my heart the opportunity to lead a bible study and live in the dorms even though it was hard and I know my words, then and there, were from God and Leah said I radiated with such beauty she has never seen a more attractive person, in that moment. She really viewed me as attractive! Wow! That's such a hard thing to admit. I am attractive. To many people and few. By the way I worship Jesus. That is what makes me attractive folks. People want to know Jesus, even if they don't know it yet. This verse is such proof of the beauty that lies within us - as followers. 1 Peter 3:3-4 "Our beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." This verse is one of those statements you can 'take to the bank' theoretically speaking. I am proud of who I am and I am excited to really become more of whom I'm supposed to be. I want to radiated with Christ so that I look in the mirror and know how beautiful God made me. These things may not happen over night but let us remind each other of our beauty today folks. There is nothing like the uniqueness of human kind; all woven in a womb and designed in God's image. |
Let us Seek the Grandest Adventures Together my Friend.
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June 2017
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