I cry a lot.
I miss community. I hate living at home, like more than I've every hated anything. I really like 4th graders, they are a fun group. I like running but don't do it enough. I think the truth hurts and that is why people hide it. I don't like fighting with anyone, it's too hurtful for me. I want to visit my friend Kate in New York (fingers crossed, sooner rather than later). Life is weird. I think it would be cool to float in the air. God is TRUTH. God is light. God is good in my life and so constant. I am Righteous! in the Lord, of course. I am valuable. I am precious.
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The sea of life has taken me under the water and I feel as if I am unable to swim to shore. The waves are strong and treacherous. They won't let me go as I fall deeper into the waves of life. Life has been high and low, as the waves. The crashing against the shore is what has been consuming me lately. The sense of wonder and adventure slowly fades. The reality of life sets in and I am unaware of what I shall do next. Stumbling to find an air bubble in these waves that are taking over my life. Taking over. Swimming farther out to sea. Stumbling through a mysterious deep dark ocean, that seems to go on forever.
When I was still in school I had something to look forward to, more school, or at least something, ya know? Now, I feel as if I have no future. Like I am at a stand still and there is nothing in the future for me to look forward to. It is a rather scary feeling. Like when you fall down and get the wind knocked out of you. That is how I felt for the past two months. I feel unsteady in the job I have and even more furious because I feel as if my 4.5 years of college were wasted on a job that cannot provide. What next? Is a question I ask myself everyday, multiple times, probably. I'm trying my darnedest not to get angry with God. I know His plan is in progress and I trust Him with my whole heart. I truly do. But, why do I feel emptiness creep through my veins. I have no plan for my future. Hey, I don't even have a plan for the next few months. I know God has one. I trust that, most definitely. It feels far off though. When your running towards something but can never grasp it. What is in store for me? I don't even know what I like to do. How, on Earth, am I supposed to choose a career path? Endless questions and nonsense goes through my head daily. Only spurred on by immense jealousy of others and their lives. What a frustrating thing to see others lives and compare them to your own. I do this a lot. I don't like doing it, I just do it. I think the world, now, tells us to. The world wants us to want what other people have. Isn't that horrific. So, what do we do? We fight the urge to compare our lives to others. We fight to become unique. We fight the world's view of happiness. All I want is to rejoice in the LORD for He is good. I want my happiness to come from Him. Not the world. How do I do that? Well, I am still trying to figure that out, I suppose. I think one thing I can do, for sure, is trust, that the Lord has good intentions for my life. And I trust that. This verse is something that stuck out to me when I thought of patience and how we are not to compare ourselves to others but seek patience in the Lord. The Lord will provide, in time. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Psalm 37:7 |
Let us Seek the Grandest Adventures Together my Friend.
I heard the roar of the lion of Judah Archives
June 2017
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