The way I've been feeling has been best described as a loss of words. Nothing has come to my mind. Nothing has come out of my mouth (oh, well, okay, that's not necessarily true). But I have just felt at a loss of what to say or think or do for that matter.
I have been feeling empty the past month or so, not really understanding why and still don't, to be honest. Somethings just have no explanation but are given time to run their course. Time seems so dismal right now in my life. I have tons of time, it seems, in a world that wants me to have each moment figured out and precise. I ask myself often, 'where has the time gone,' then I take a moment to think how it is just beginning. How time does not cease. Time doesn't stop if we do. So why should we? Why should we stop trying to make the world a better place? Why should we give up on our dreams if we feel like we are too old? Why should we have our whole lives mapped out to the year, week, or even day? Why should we try so hard to please the world? Well, the answer is we shouldn't. To all of these things. We shouldn't. We shouldn't follow the world's perspective on a "successful life." We should live our own. Maybe I don't have all the answers or my life 'figured out.' Is that okay? Or should I be trying my darnedest to figure it out? In the midst of things I don't know, there is one thing I know for sure, and that is God is good and faithful even in the times where I have no idea what I am doing with my life. He is still here. In the times of struggle and longing for things I do not have. He is still here. In times where the amount of time I have seems dismal and my need for something greater seems out of this world, I've been reminded of a God that is never-ending. A God who hasn't left me because I have left a community of 200+ believers. As difficult and heartbreaking it has been, God is still pure and true and present. Now, why does that seem unreachable. Recently I received my bachelors degree at UWEC and I have never felt so much relief in my life. Relief that washed over me as I crossed the stage and received what seemed like an Oscar. After I walked off that stage I realized something. I realized that I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going or who I will work for. I was struck with a reality that I don't have my whole life mapped out like I once did four and a half years ago when I first started college. When I walked off that stage I felt the devil creep up on my shoulder and tell me how much I failed at the college 'plan' I had for myself those four and half years ago. There were so many things I wanted to do that I didn't. Then I reminded myself of God's plan. Through college, I learned what it looked like to follow Jesus for not only those four and a half years but for the rest of my life. I didn't plan this out myself folks. I had other plans that fell in comparison to the plan that God mapped out for me. He mapped out a journey that is never-ending. A path that I would have never thought of on my own and thankfully I didn't have to. God paved the way. HE did it. I didn't need to do anything but follow where He was taking me. Oh and the people I've met along the way. I've had the opportunity of meeting people like Lynita who listens to me with such great intent that I never even thought could be possible. Or my junior year roommate Lexi who has more spunk and sass than anyone else I know. Or Ethan who cares about my future and continues to ask me questions, deeper than I could ask myself. Or Bri, my roommate freshman year, who gave me courage to stand up for what I believed in when she didn't believe in anything herself. Or Devyn, who brought me to an InterVarsity Christian Fellowship small group bible study for the first time, where I rebuilt my relationship with Christ. Or Anna, who spoke so much truth in my life and gave me the push to stop drinking and start taking my faith more seriously. Or Alexi, who has loved me so well and shown me how to love others well. Whether these individuals were Christians or not I believe God put them in my life for a reason. There are so many people like this in my life. That have made a difference on me in just these four and a half years. They have given me courage and strength. They have watched me cry and laugh and run and change. It makes me wonder, if God gave me these people in only this short amount of time, who will He give me for a lifetime? God equips us for eternity. Not just for four and a half, short, years. He is equipping us for an eternal life. So why count the days or weeks or years.
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I heard the roar of the lion of Judah Archives
June 2017
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