Alexi's spirit of adventure and her love for longboarding.
Ariel's sense of wisdom and spirit. Chad's ability to tell me things that are hard to say and be intentional with my well-being. Cory's heart and hugs. She has been such a blessing as a roommate to me. Leah's giggles and her personality, man they have been a blessing. Jackie's willingness to learn about God and share with me how she is feeling. Ethan's silliness, our study lounge shenanigans, and quiet times together. He's just great. Amy's wise words and motivation to share my story with people as she has shared. Becky's ability to teach me how to serve at the Caf and be humorous while working in the Big Ole'. My Mom's steadiness in loving me and caring for me when I cry, a lot. Also her advice, which I am not accepting of, yet she still gives it. I just love that she loves me so well. My Dad's selfies, they are so funny! I am so happy when I get a selfie from him! HAHA Afton's voice, man is just lights up anyone's day. My Math 104 students, they're teaching me how to be a teacher and that's so cool. Steph's singing and how it has blessed me through musical worship at largegroup. Lexi's hard work ethic, she can do anything, it seems like anyway. Jenna's openness with me, even in struggle, she continues to share experiences with me. Lynita's smile and hugs are such a joy to me. She has this presence about her that I just love. Katie's snapchats, and creating a scarf for her, she is so EXCITED which makes me excited. Hunter's ability to share how she is feeling with Cory and I, also she is growing in her faith which is super rad. Max is sitting right next to me. He also eats all my apples and wants to play risk, wow, whata kid. Little Ethan's willingness to jump into events with his whole heart and give God a huge chance! You, I'm so glad you are here on this page reading my blog, it's kinda great. These are people that have just been on my heart lately and have been guiding me in tough situations. I really enjoy all of their company and their ability to love me so well.
0 Comments
It all started my freshman year in college, with a simple knock to my dorm room door, that very first night. That night will be a night I will never forget, although my memory is fuzzy from that entire year. That one night in particular was the first night I tasted alcohol and man did it taste good. I found myself wanting more and more of it. I wanted more because I felt so empty, friends. I was all alone, that first night in my dorm room and I thought hey, why not go out with these people that I barely knew and maybe I will have a friend afterward. Boy, can I tell you how wrong I was.
I went out that night three years ago and got drunk. I got drunk enough to do stupid things, with people I barely knew. I was having fun, wasn't I? I was the "life of the party". I was the center of attention. That was awesome and great until I couldn't stop. This brings me to a few months down the road where I had been not only drinking every weekend with people I barely knew but I had been getting intoxicated and making mistakes. Mind you, I was not of legal drinking age, but hey, everyone was doing it? Well at least that is what I thought at the time. I thought it was "okay" to be going out to house parties and making poor decisions with men because they made me feel wanted, if only for a moment. I became very enticed in them and I realized I wanted more and more of something. I thought I had it all under control until I started drinking so much my body couldn't handle it anymore and that is when things in my life didn't seem as they used to. I used to be a follower of Christ, I used to be a "good" girl, I used to be a lot of things. But, my friends, I kept on going through life thinking alcohol would fill me up so I wouldn't feel so empty anymore. I was hurting on the inside and I didn't quite know how to tell anyone. I was feeling very alone. I was craving something more than the alcohol every single weekend. If I was feeling sad, I drank. If I was feeling happy, I drank to celebrate. If I was feeling suicidal, I drank. I guess you could say I was drinking my feelings and that is scary. Alcohol is a depressant and when you mix it with someone who is depressed it doesn't work out so well, but I will save you the gross details of the times I vomited all over myself while I was sleeping. I still didn't know why I felt so empty, I mean I did have friends, they cared about me right? Well, at least I thought they did. Until, I met Devyn Molder. Devyn, knocked on my door at least a few times a week just to ask me how I was doing and invite me into community with her. She continued to invite me to bible study every week even though she was not a leader. She invited me to large group even though I shut her down time and time again. I kept saying no because I didn't want to face facts. I was not living my life for Jesus anymore. I was living it for myself and the alcohol I was consuming. I was filling myself up with alcohol, harmful relationships, and boys. I was a hot mess and I didn't want to admit it at the time. One day, I swallowed my pride and went with Devyn to bible study. I mean how bad could it be really, I had claimed to be a Christian right? That moment, my friends, changed my life, and I'm sure some of you know why. I found a community that continued to pour into me even though I didn't deserve it. I found a place to go when I was feeling down instead of a bottle of alcohol. I found people who asked me deep questions and didn't judge my answers. I found Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and man was I grateful but that hasn't made things easy for me. At this point when I found IVCF I was pretty broken and it is hard to recover from such heartache but I was definitely willing to try when I found out more about Jesus and what He truly did for me. I found Jesus and I am currently seeking the Lord in my daily life. There are still times I slip up though with my old friend, alcohol. Now, I am of legal drinking age, but inebriation is still sin because of it's history with me. I am done hiding behind closed doors because I want my community to know the real me. Yes, I struggle with drinking because it is all I did for a whole year. I struggle today too, as I become frustrated/heartbroken/sad I think maybe just a couple of drinks will make me feel whole, if only for a moment. Then, I take a step back and ask myself this question, "why am I trying to fill myself with something that will never fill me up?" The answer is always the same, "I don't need to fill myself with this crap anymore, Cassie, stop it, just stop it, your heart is hard and you need to surrender to Jesus." Then, my friends, I filled and continue to fill myself with Jesus, and never look back. I am so loved by my Father and that is pretty cool. God really does love each of us individually and so well. Yes, there are times when I screw up and make mistakes but He still continues to show me love. I have noticed a lot lately how beautiful the sun is shining through my window during the afternoon. Actually, right now, is what I'm talking about, I love when the sun hits my face as I walk down and up the hill too. It is different at all times of day and man that's really just cool. I have been pretty broken up lately about a lot of things and kind of drained but God has comforted me and shown me that I am not alone in this, that I have people here for me to help me through the bad times. Sometimes, I do wish I knew answers, regarding my future, but trying to be at peace that God has got my back is something I need to keep in mind more. I find myself feeling overwhelmed then I will randomly run into people like Anna Red. who loves me so well even when I know I don't deserve it. I just really love that, even though we are living in different places now, I still can rely on her for comfort and love. Just, love. Man, it is a really great thing to pour into people. I L O V E texting people randomly that I love them. I just stinking love it. Or when Kate cries, literally cries, because I'm crying, that's the stuff right there. I know she loves me because she gets sad when I'm sad even when it doesn't pertain to her. We also watch Flubber together, which I just love. Also, how Alexi continues to invite me longboarding because she knows how much I really love it! She loves me so well. Friends, we all need to be loved. Jesus loves us so much He died for us on that Cross, and man, if that is not love, I really don't know what is. So, I encourage you all to pour out some love and also willingly receive it. Because, sometimes it is hardest to receive love when we are so undeserving of it.
Watching as people are moving and growing.
Realizing I can't do this life on my own. Praying furiously for change. Allowing my heart to ache, if just a little. Letting people have it. Regretting, "letting people have it." then praying about it. Exercising a lot to keep my mind off bad things and to keep healthy. Crying a lot. Being too blunt. Wishing things were different. Listening to this song on repeat! Relying on my creator for comfort. Reading a lot, both for school and for Jesus Learning to be okay with not being okay. Observing nature and diving into it. Experiencing new things, like long boarding. Praying, oh praying, for my dreams to be reality. Missing home and all (well mostly all) the people there. Trying harder than I ever have in school. Creating relationships. Living a Christian lifestyle, and man does that make me happy. Sharing my faith walk. Fearing NOTHING. Dreaming big and not giving up. Knowing God's plan for me is one worth all the tears, stress, and heartache because after the heartache comes joy, laughter, comfort, and most importantly love. What is NSO, you ask, oh man I will tell ya!
NSO stands for New Student Outreach, and it is what I have been doing for the past week. This is such a great experience and I am so glad I get to be a part of something so huge. New Student Outreach is an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship (seriously check out this link <-- IVCF is my life) lead group of students who welcome other students living on campus and invite them to the Kingdom. It is really cool and also really tiring, in all of the senses of the word. I love love love getting to know new people especially freshmen/transfer students. These students are feeling uncomfortable, really uncomfortable. I mean who wouldn't? They are in a new place, trying to make new friends, and everything is just new. I recall my very first night in the dorms ever when I was a freshman. I was terrified. I didn't know anyone, my roommate left me alone and I was just really scared. I know exactly how these new freshmen feel. They are scared and they can be feeling pretty alone. My friends, that is why NSO is so important, these new students need a community they can rely on and that's where we come in. We are a community of believers who know how to have fun without being the stereotypical "college student." I am more than excited to see what God is bringing this school year. My heart has been set a blaze and I am ready to bring people to His Kingdom. But. It is not easy. It is very spiritually giving and just sometimes plain difficult. Inviting people to events every single day is not the easiest thing in the world to do. I enjoy it, yes, but sometimes you get doors shut in your face. Though, I have realized I am not alone in this has been very humbling this year. Last year was not in the slightest the easiest of years, I was battling a lot of my own demons while trying to do NSO and that my friends was a huge challenge. I was constantly drained both physically (YAY HALL RAISING) and spiritually. I was a hot mess that would've only lead to destruction, which it did. I was very weak last year and didn't really on my Father or community for support. But, lemme tell ya, this year has been so fruitful. I went into my summer knowing I needed to PRAY PRAY PRAY and then PRAY some more for a community who accepts my faults and helps me to get back to my center putting God in that center. I realized a lot this past week (wow, it has only been a week!!) since I moved back to college that my community and God are the only thing that can ever keep me going! So, I encourage all of you to dive into a community, where ever that may be. DIVE IN and REACH OUT. My experiences with NSO have taught me so many ways to become a better leader and role model to those on the 6th floor of Towers North (HOLLA). |
Let us Seek the Grandest Adventures Together my Friend.
I heard the roar of the lion of Judah Archives
June 2017
Categories
|