Hi friends,
This is not going to be a nice post or even a good post for that matter. There are things that need to be told that cannot be explained or determined. There are things that are dirty, unknown, secret even. There are things in my life that are dark. damaged. broken. hurt. Friends, there are many things in this world I do not understand and one of those things is love. I don't know what it means to be loved. I don't know what it means to love. I don't want love, so I push it away. I, my friends, am sinful and dark. I don't want it to be this way, no. I want to feel love. I want to experience love. There has been something dark in my spirit for awhile now and I'm NOT going to let it take hold of me. I am done going along with what other people want me to be. My obligations have hurt those I love. Whether I know I love them or not that is not the point. The point is I have lost many people in my life both to death and to lack of love. I think it is easier to push people away than let them in. Which is 100% true. It is easier to push people away, but the real question is why do it? Do I really want to push all of these people away? I don't really think so. I am hurt. I am broken. I am sinful. I am ashamed. I am dark. Through brokenness I somehow can find a light. God has shown me great things and I will never cease to be amazed by His glory. We are called to love and sometimes I forget that. I would rather be doing my own thing than loving others. A lot of people have told me that I have a great ability to love people but do I really? In place of love I feel it is easiest to ignore those who love you than to love them back so unconditionally like God loved us. Again, yes all of that is easier but I do not want to become the person who is unable to experience love or give it. So friends, which do you choose, love or darkness? Yes, I am all of those things previously mentioned, but I do know a few things that I also am. I am God's daughter. I am beautiful, inside and out. I am respectable. I am a follower of Jesus. I am me.
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June 2017
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