The sea of life has taken me under the water and I feel as if I am unable to swim to shore. The waves are strong and treacherous. They won't let me go as I fall deeper into the waves of life. Life has been high and low, as the waves. The crashing against the shore is what has been consuming me lately. The sense of wonder and adventure slowly fades. The reality of life sets in and I am unaware of what I shall do next. Stumbling to find an air bubble in these waves that are taking over my life. Taking over. Swimming farther out to sea. Stumbling through a mysterious deep dark ocean, that seems to go on forever.
When I was still in school I had something to look forward to, more school, or at least something, ya know? Now, I feel as if I have no future. Like I am at a stand still and there is nothing in the future for me to look forward to. It is a rather scary feeling. Like when you fall down and get the wind knocked out of you. That is how I felt for the past two months. I feel unsteady in the job I have and even more furious because I feel as if my 4.5 years of college were wasted on a job that cannot provide. What next? Is a question I ask myself everyday, multiple times, probably. I'm trying my darnedest not to get angry with God. I know His plan is in progress and I trust Him with my whole heart. I truly do. But, why do I feel emptiness creep through my veins. I have no plan for my future. Hey, I don't even have a plan for the next few months. I know God has one. I trust that, most definitely. It feels far off though. When your running towards something but can never grasp it. What is in store for me? I don't even know what I like to do. How, on Earth, am I supposed to choose a career path? Endless questions and nonsense goes through my head daily. Only spurred on by immense jealousy of others and their lives. What a frustrating thing to see others lives and compare them to your own. I do this a lot. I don't like doing it, I just do it. I think the world, now, tells us to. The world wants us to want what other people have. Isn't that horrific. So, what do we do? We fight the urge to compare our lives to others. We fight to become unique. We fight the world's view of happiness. All I want is to rejoice in the LORD for He is good. I want my happiness to come from Him. Not the world. How do I do that? Well, I am still trying to figure that out, I suppose. I think one thing I can do, for sure, is trust, that the Lord has good intentions for my life. And I trust that. This verse is something that stuck out to me when I thought of patience and how we are not to compare ourselves to others but seek patience in the Lord. The Lord will provide, in time. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Psalm 37:7
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Total cliche title but here it is. the long (way too long) video of what I did last summer. If you didn't remember or were curious. I worked at Yellowstone National Park last summer! Now, I am not the best videographer, so bare with me. It is so memorable to me, though. I took a video almost every day I was in Yellowstone. Well, that is until I broke my phone. HA. I hope you enjoy it. I sure did. You know something that is really hard? Loving people who are different from you. Yeah, I said it. It's one of the hardest things I've had to face this past month of developing an understanding of people that are different than I.
Like my brother, who does not share in the same world views as I do. He is hard to love to be honest. Or the Somali people that make up a huge portion of Minnesota and are overlooked and struck down for their faith in Islam. These people are hard to love. Why do I struggle so much with loving people that are different than I am? Didn't God make us all in His image? Shouldn't I love everyone as Jesus did? The answer to all of these questions is 'YES' my friends. We, as Christians, are called to love everyone, especially those who are different than us. Something that is so darn hard to do. I don't want to love people that are different than me because frankly they are different than me and it's hard for me to relate to them. So how do we go about doing this? Well, I'm still working on that and don't want to stop working on it. One of the many things I learned from my experience at Urbana was learning to love those who are different than me because they were made beautifully in God's image. Standing up for our brothers and sisters who struggle because of their race or religion in the US is especially important. I learned that it is important to know other peoples history and want to learn more about who they are as individuals. I want to love African Americans and Muslims and Japanese and Somali and all peoples well. I think the first step in doing so is recognizing the darkest of things in our own hearts and that my friends is racism. I grew up in it. Unintentionally, I grew up to be racist. As a white 20 something female in a small farm town, I grew up to be racist. Recognizing this and admitting it a few years ago really broke my heart. I don't want to be racist. I don't want to see people as lesser than I. How could this have happened? I felt so horrible having to admit this to myself and recognize it enough to finally put a stop to this trend. I don't want to rewrite history by giving in to this racism and taking part in it any longer. Thus, I have decided to welcome all who are different than I as my brothers and sisters because that is how God intended it. The beauty of differences in race and religion is that each time we meet someone new we get to learn their own personal story. Isn't that just the coolest? I think so! When I think about Jesus and his disciples, heck even his friends, I think, 'wow, Jesus really loved everyone so deeply He looked past their malicious behavior and welcomed them as His own.' This is who I want to become more like folks. An individual who isn't afraid of the prostitute of the tax collector but rather welcomes them into their home is who I want to be. I encourage you to love those who are different from you as well. The differences are what make us beautiful. Something I have been really struggling with lately is trying to discern everything that happened at Urbana. Urbana is a missions conference that takes place in St. Louis, MO only every three years through InterVarsity Christian Fellowship USA/Canada and IFES. This conference gave me a whole new perspective for Christianity and how to more individualize my faith. This conference literally changed my life and a lot of views I had before on a lot of topics.. if that makes any sense at all. It might start to as I continue to discern God's voice through all of the things I learned. I am going to start writing daily about my experience at Urbana starting with short topics. So, here it goes. The first topic I am going to talk about is persecution.
These past few weeks have felt empty and hard but then I am reminded of my time at Urbana where I learned about the persecuted church. Something I never thought about before. The persecuted church. Now, when I first heard of this term, persecuted church, I didn't really know what it was referring to. I'm afraid it is as horrible as it sounds, my friends. Persecuted according to google is defined by "subject (someone) to hostility and ill-treatment, especially because of their race or political or religious beliefs." When I refer to persecuted church I mean a church who is subject to hostility and ill-treatment because of their religious beliefs. My heart cries for churches that are persecuted against for wanting to believe in the same things I am free to believe here in the United States. Man, to think of individuals who are persecuted against for their faith breaks my heart. At Urbana 2015, I learned so much about the persecuted church and the persecutor. It is extremely crucial for me and those who believe in Jesus Christ to pray and pray hard for those who have no voice in the Church. I never realized how important it was to pray for those who are persecuted against. I never really thought about the persecuted church before. I realized how important it is to pray for those who are persecuted against so they may see redemption and come out of persecution. But something I didn't think I would have ever learned was how to love the persecutor. After my experience at Urbana, I found myself thinking about all of the individuals who are persecuted against and how it leads us to hate the persecutor. A lot of people hate the persecutor but someone who doesn't, is Jesus, who loves all. Even the most horrific of individuals have redemptive qualities, don't cha think? We spent one of the nights during Urbana not only praying for the persecuted Christians but also the persecutors, that they may find salvation in Jesus Christ. As I wept that night thinking of all the people who have been tortured and killed for standing up for the name of Jesus, I wept even harder knowing that the persecutors need so badly to feel the love of Jesus. These individuals are what have drawn me to pray deeply and wholeheartedly for both the persecuted and the persecutor. So my friends, I challenge you this week to pray and pray hard for the persecuted churches across the world who are struck down for believing in the truth of Jesus but I also challenge you to love the persecutor. The persecutor who denies Jesus' truth and has hate in their hearts. Pray that their hearts may soften with the love of Christ. One of the most powerful things we can do is pray. There is so much power in prayer. The way I've been feeling has been best described as a loss of words. Nothing has come to my mind. Nothing has come out of my mouth (oh, well, okay, that's not necessarily true). But I have just felt at a loss of what to say or think or do for that matter.
I have been feeling empty the past month or so, not really understanding why and still don't, to be honest. Somethings just have no explanation but are given time to run their course. Time seems so dismal right now in my life. I have tons of time, it seems, in a world that wants me to have each moment figured out and precise. I ask myself often, 'where has the time gone,' then I take a moment to think how it is just beginning. How time does not cease. Time doesn't stop if we do. So why should we? Why should we stop trying to make the world a better place? Why should we give up on our dreams if we feel like we are too old? Why should we have our whole lives mapped out to the year, week, or even day? Why should we try so hard to please the world? Well, the answer is we shouldn't. To all of these things. We shouldn't. We shouldn't follow the world's perspective on a "successful life." We should live our own. Maybe I don't have all the answers or my life 'figured out.' Is that okay? Or should I be trying my darnedest to figure it out? In the midst of things I don't know, there is one thing I know for sure, and that is God is good and faithful even in the times where I have no idea what I am doing with my life. He is still here. In the times of struggle and longing for things I do not have. He is still here. In times where the amount of time I have seems dismal and my need for something greater seems out of this world, I've been reminded of a God that is never-ending. A God who hasn't left me because I have left a community of 200+ believers. As difficult and heartbreaking it has been, God is still pure and true and present. Now, why does that seem unreachable. Recently I received my bachelors degree at UWEC and I have never felt so much relief in my life. Relief that washed over me as I crossed the stage and received what seemed like an Oscar. After I walked off that stage I realized something. I realized that I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going or who I will work for. I was struck with a reality that I don't have my whole life mapped out like I once did four and a half years ago when I first started college. When I walked off that stage I felt the devil creep up on my shoulder and tell me how much I failed at the college 'plan' I had for myself those four and half years ago. There were so many things I wanted to do that I didn't. Then I reminded myself of God's plan. Through college, I learned what it looked like to follow Jesus for not only those four and a half years but for the rest of my life. I didn't plan this out myself folks. I had other plans that fell in comparison to the plan that God mapped out for me. He mapped out a journey that is never-ending. A path that I would have never thought of on my own and thankfully I didn't have to. God paved the way. HE did it. I didn't need to do anything but follow where He was taking me. Oh and the people I've met along the way. I've had the opportunity of meeting people like Lynita who listens to me with such great intent that I never even thought could be possible. Or my junior year roommate Lexi who has more spunk and sass than anyone else I know. Or Ethan who cares about my future and continues to ask me questions, deeper than I could ask myself. Or Bri, my roommate freshman year, who gave me courage to stand up for what I believed in when she didn't believe in anything herself. Or Devyn, who brought me to an InterVarsity Christian Fellowship small group bible study for the first time, where I rebuilt my relationship with Christ. Or Anna, who spoke so much truth in my life and gave me the push to stop drinking and start taking my faith more seriously. Or Alexi, who has loved me so well and shown me how to love others well. Whether these individuals were Christians or not I believe God put them in my life for a reason. There are so many people like this in my life. That have made a difference on me in just these four and a half years. They have given me courage and strength. They have watched me cry and laugh and run and change. It makes me wonder, if God gave me these people in only this short amount of time, who will He give me for a lifetime? God equips us for eternity. Not just for four and a half, short, years. He is equipping us for an eternal life. So why count the days or weeks or years.
Lately I have had such a great support system and it just reminds me how much I'm going to miss Eau Claire when I leave. It breaks my heart everyday knowing that I am leaving a day less than the day before. Each day there are less here and I don't like it. I already feel lost and lonely, just imagine when I actually leave. I don't know if I will be able to stand it. I mean I haven't lived at home for a while now. Graduation just seems unreal to me at this point. But I suppose it is a part of the school process, we have to graduate sometime, don't we? Maybe I will just fail a couple of classes. LOL just kidding. But really, these friendships I have made here are ones that I know will last a lifetime. I've shared deep stuff with these people and they mean so much to me. Like my friendship with Ethan, who totally encouraged me last night to stay connected with community when I graduate. He genuinely cares about my personal relationship with God and that just means more to me than anything. Being at home, it will be difficult to stay connected to a community who loves Jesus and wants to walk with me in that journey but I am up for the challenge. I have been reminded so much lately of my worth in Jesus and what that will look like after school so I am excited to see what God has for me in December. 1 month and 1 day folks. I can't even believe it!
Life hasn't been easy for me lately but I've been finding relief in the Lord. God is teaching me that I don't need to be perfect. That my imperfections are what make me unique and human. Lately I have been fighting depression and now, at this moment, I feel relief. I feel relief in knowing that I don't have to have it all figured out. I find relief in Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, who conquered the grave so that I can be here, living. I don't need to find relief in other things like boys or alcohol, all I need is the Great I Am. He who does all things and loves all people. These past weeks have been stressful to say the least but through that stress I have grown in friendship with those around me and I have worked to be in right relationship with God. I have peace, now, knowing that God's got it. I don't have to worry about all the little details of my life anymore because Jesus is here, holding my hand and telling me it's going to be alright. Yes, I have missed out on some things this year because of school commitments but I know God has a purpose for that. He has allowed me to miss out on sinful things, which I am not sad about. My business has been a relief as well, simply because it has distracted me with graduation and career commitments and rather allowed me to focus on God through this messiness. No, it is never an easy thing focusing on God when you are down but when I do He speaks such truth into my life. My love for the LORD has grown this year and will continue to grow for the rest of my life. Now, isn't that just the coolest thing ever.
On a sidenote I've been listening to Lauren Daigle on repeat -- I suggest you do the same. The flowers you don't want to get but get anyway:
They smell good. They look good. They might even taste good. This week has been a week of flowers. I received flowers from my dear friend Alexi, that didn't smell or taste, that I'm aware of lol. but they did look so good. They were the kind of flowers I wanted to get. The ones that I wasn't expecting and didn't even know how to respond to but they were just what I needed at that time. She gifted me with exactly what I needed, when I needed, not that she knew that or anything but I think that is the beauty of getting flowers you need. It shows that God is gifting us with big and beautiful flowers that we need and sometime even gives us flowers we don't want. Recently one of my dear friends received flowers she did not want. These flowers smelled good and looked good. They were everything great about big luscious flowers but they were not flowers she needed or wanted. They were hurtful flowers used to torment her and make her feel guilty for her Godly actions. I watched this friend struggle to find the words to make these flowers, "okay". But sometimes we get flowers we don't want and really don't need. Is this okay? no, I don't really think so. I think this is meant to test our faith. Whether we run to the unneeded flowers or not, that is what could make or break our faith. If we are constantly wanting to receive flowers we don't need, is that really okay? NO. It's not. Flowers are needed in our lives to help us blossom but when they wilt, they will still just be flowers and they are no longer necessary. Let the wilted flowers go my friends. Lately I have been feeling God's presence through whatever I am doing. My life has been sort of crazy lately and I haven't really known how to deal with it but God has reminded me to come to Him in these times. I am thankful to have people in my life who draw me to Him as well. I constantly am seeing a difference in my attitude when I choose Him over silly things like Netflix (I know, I know I do that too often). In reality God is in everything I do these days and I love that. Today reminded me so much of how much God has given me in the last year. Today I was given a choice to skip bible study and go to an awesome math reunion but then I felt super convicted about it and decided to choose Jesus (bible study). I have committed to leading a bible study so I think that is just what I have to do. Lead with my whole heart, not just half ass it (excuse my language). Seriously though, lately all I have been doing is giving things half of my time and effort. It can really be a struggle giving someone your all when you are busy and perhaps have things you could be doing but not anymore! I want to be there for people who are in need because HELLO they NEED me (or maybe they don't but they need Jesus - that's for sure). So, I better start trying and perhaps failing but nonetheless trying to seek God through actually caring again. This brings me to tonight where my dear roommate, Leah, said to me as she was leaving, "I'm praying for you, always." Oh man did that just touch my heart you guys and all night I have felt that, even though she is not in the room I know she is thinking of me. That is what makes me feel again. Being reminded of people deeply caring for me is always needed, no matter who you are, we need to be reminded of our worth. I love that.
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I heard the roar of the lion of Judah Archives
June 2017
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