It all started my freshman year in college, with a simple knock to my dorm room door, that very first night. That night will be a night I will never forget, although my memory is fuzzy from that entire year. That one night in particular was the first night I tasted alcohol and man did it taste good. I found myself wanting more and more of it. I wanted more because I felt so empty, friends. I was all alone, that first night in my dorm room and I thought hey, why not go out with these people that I barely knew and maybe I will have a friend afterward. Boy, can I tell you how wrong I was.
I went out that night three years ago and got drunk. I got drunk enough to do stupid things, with people I barely knew. I was having fun, wasn't I? I was the "life of the party". I was the center of attention. That was awesome and great until I couldn't stop. This brings me to a few months down the road where I had been not only drinking every weekend with people I barely knew but I had been getting intoxicated and making mistakes. Mind you, I was not of legal drinking age, but hey, everyone was doing it? Well at least that is what I thought at the time. I thought it was "okay" to be going out to house parties and making poor decisions with men because they made me feel wanted, if only for a moment. I became very enticed in them and I realized I wanted more and more of something. I thought I had it all under control until I started drinking so much my body couldn't handle it anymore and that is when things in my life didn't seem as they used to. I used to be a follower of Christ, I used to be a "good" girl, I used to be a lot of things. But, my friends, I kept on going through life thinking alcohol would fill me up so I wouldn't feel so empty anymore. I was hurting on the inside and I didn't quite know how to tell anyone. I was feeling very alone. I was craving something more than the alcohol every single weekend. If I was feeling sad, I drank. If I was feeling happy, I drank to celebrate. If I was feeling suicidal, I drank. I guess you could say I was drinking my feelings and that is scary. Alcohol is a depressant and when you mix it with someone who is depressed it doesn't work out so well, but I will save you the gross details of the times I vomited all over myself while I was sleeping. I still didn't know why I felt so empty, I mean I did have friends, they cared about me right? Well, at least I thought they did. Until, I met Devyn Molder. Devyn, knocked on my door at least a few times a week just to ask me how I was doing and invite me into community with her. She continued to invite me to bible study every week even though she was not a leader. She invited me to large group even though I shut her down time and time again. I kept saying no because I didn't want to face facts. I was not living my life for Jesus anymore. I was living it for myself and the alcohol I was consuming. I was filling myself up with alcohol, harmful relationships, and boys. I was a hot mess and I didn't want to admit it at the time. One day, I swallowed my pride and went with Devyn to bible study. I mean how bad could it be really, I had claimed to be a Christian right? That moment, my friends, changed my life, and I'm sure some of you know why. I found a community that continued to pour into me even though I didn't deserve it. I found a place to go when I was feeling down instead of a bottle of alcohol. I found people who asked me deep questions and didn't judge my answers. I found Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and man was I grateful but that hasn't made things easy for me. At this point when I found IVCF I was pretty broken and it is hard to recover from such heartache but I was definitely willing to try when I found out more about Jesus and what He truly did for me. I found Jesus and I am currently seeking the Lord in my daily life. There are still times I slip up though with my old friend, alcohol. Now, I am of legal drinking age, but inebriation is still sin because of it's history with me. I am done hiding behind closed doors because I want my community to know the real me. Yes, I struggle with drinking because it is all I did for a whole year. I struggle today too, as I become frustrated/heartbroken/sad I think maybe just a couple of drinks will make me feel whole, if only for a moment. Then, I take a step back and ask myself this question, "why am I trying to fill myself with something that will never fill me up?" The answer is always the same, "I don't need to fill myself with this crap anymore, Cassie, stop it, just stop it, your heart is hard and you need to surrender to Jesus." Then, my friends, I filled and continue to fill myself with Jesus, and never look back.
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June 2017
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