Now, I know what you're thinking. Cassie, intimidating? WHAT?! Never?
Well, that's what I think too but today got me thinking. Maybe I am intimidating. Maybe I put up walls so that people can't get to know me. Maybe I push people away. Maybe, just maybe, I really am intimidating. I've also heard many people tell me that I am very approachable and yet I've never really felt invited. Like in college. I had a lot of friends, I would say, but out of all of those friends I was never really invited to a lot of things they were doing. Now, some of the things my friends were doing I didn't want to be a part of but some of them I cried, a lot, because I wasn't invited and felt left out. This part of my life has been so heavy on my heart lately. What with all of my friends returning to college, and I'm not. I'm definitely coming to terms with this though. I am really enjoying being out of college and the adulthood life. But I do miss my friends. Which makes me think so much about them. Are they thinking about me to? I mean they hardly speak to me unless I speak to them first. Man, this just weighs so much on my heart guys. I'm sorry, I'm verbally throwing up at you right now but I just don't feel very cared for in this new life, outside of college. Heck, I guess I didn't really feel very cared for in college either. I always felt out of the loop and distant from the "friend groups" I thought I was apart of. I've never really said any of these things out loud, let alone in text. I guess it's how I really feel. Oh, actually, I did talk about this with one of my friends from college once. He was very supportive about it because he felt the same as me, at times. But reminded me that I am valued. Good stuff. I wish I would feel more valued lately. Life is kinda hard for me right now. My parents love each other one minute then hate each other the next. My younger sister is getting married and I am single, and that is hard -regardless of me being SO DARN happy for her, which I am. I also just realized I have no passion for anything lately. I pray to God several times while I am working at Kwik Trip wishing I knew why the heck I was working at KT. I don't like it and yet there are moments I truly enjoy. I've only been there for a month or so and I already don't like it. What the heck is with that. I'm just having some identity crisis and I recognize that and try to persist and give my all in what I am doing. Anyways, back to being intimidating. So, am I? Do I scare people off with my LOUD personality? I don't have an answer to this question. I wonder if God thinks it is okay or not okay to be intimidating. Is it such a horrible thing to intimidate people? Probably, yeah. When I think intimidating, I think unapproachable, scary, mean, gremlin types. Ya know the ones. Maybe, at times, I do come off this way. I think that is okay but not. I need to recognize when I do and change it. Alright, I'm done. HA
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June 2017
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